Tonight I felt God telling me to do something that I have never had the desire to do. I knew the day would come, but I have been dreading it with a passion. Leadership. The very idea terrifies me!! The word and I do not get along. I have hidden behind shyness and softspokenness all my life, but no more. It is now my desire because it is God’s desire.
Are you curious how I knew God was telling me so clearly to do this? A few weeks ago I was asked to help lead the Christmas program. Even though the mere thought of leading anything, especially children, scared me silly, I said yes because I knew it would be good for me, and I wasn’t sure anyone else was available to do it.
About a week ago, I was asked to help lead music on Sundays because the girl who regularly did it moved away. I accepted with excitement because I like singing. I had already been helping out temporarily by playing my flute with the congregation on Sundays because we were in a temporary location with no piano.
Tonight was my test run at both of the above assignments. I kind of flopped at both. Kids know when you really are in control. I can control my own kids because they know me well, and I know them well, but controlling kids you don’t know that well is a whole different story! How do you keep eye contact with that many little people? It seemed to take more coordination than I could handle!! Then I found out tonight within 5 minutes of doing it that I was leading music for the first time tonight!! I got up there and tried to look more confident that I was (instead of totally intimidated and unworthy of the job I was doing). It’s kind of hard to do that when you don’t know a few of the songs. I did OK, considering the circumstances. I’d say I need a few more lessons on leadership!
Don’t get me wrong about this leadership thing. I wanted to teach children and lead music, but it still scares me for some reason. God is finally forcing me to face my fears and make me learn something that I should have learned years ago. With the plans Luke and I have for our future, it is necessary for me to be comfortable with being in front of people and leading them when necessary.
I could use a lot of prayer! I am going to work hard to at least appear confident and in control even if I don’t feel that way. I hope to post again next week to give an update on my confidence level and leadership abilities.